How to Start Your Day Like a Three Year Old

There comes a time in every person’s life when they must throw off the shackles of sadness in difficult times. I was thinking to myself how much I used to love writing about funny things, and how I haven’t been able to do that for quite some time now. But today will be different. I said to myself,”Remember LAUGHING, Mary?? Laughing, of all ridiculous things. Laughter, I miss you. Let’s get together again.”  So this is my attempt to bring some hilarity back to my life and my blog, drawing upon my very own real life experiences.

ESSAY: How to Start Your Day Like a Three Year Old

First, it is very important that you wake up before everyone else in the entire household. This is key. Any time before 6:30 am will do just fine. Do not feel the need to be quiet so as not to disturb the others. Completely unnecessary. Push the bathroom door open with all the force your small arms can muster so the door slams into the wall/doorjamb/bathtub. Use the bathroom and whatever you do, don’t flush. You do remember, however, that it’s kind of fun to wash your hands. Pull up the step stool, turn on the water, and use approximately 37 pumps of soap. That should do the trick. Your hands are clean when there’s a foot-high mound of soap bubbles rising above the sink. Wipe your hands somewhat dry and don’t forget the throw the towel on the floor. Very important. It’s time to bust into your parent’s room. If your mom has her act together, she won’t be there; she’ll be in the basement moving around like a crazy person. She calls it “working out”. You call it HOW DARE YOU BE ANYWHERE BUT WHERE I THINK YOU SHOULD BE. But if your mom stayed up too late the night before reading (like she usually does), you’ll find her in bed. Demand breakfast. Say please and ask nicely when you are told to. Now listen closely. This is key. When your mom asks what kind of cereal you would like (this is First Breakfast, people. Don’t judge me.), don’t answer. Stick out your bottom lip and snort just a tiny bit. You can see that your mom is tired, needing a shower, and basically looks like Alice Cooper in the morning. None of this is important. What matters is that you withhold this vital information of cereal choice as long as you can, so as to make your mother lose her mind just a little bit more than yesterday. Unfortunately, your mom doesn’t play this game for very long. But it sure was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it?!? You sit down to your cereal and fruit while mom dashes upstairs in hopes of a shower. Soon, your brothers will come down to join you. Whatever you do, don’t forget to spill your milk! When your brothers get their First Breakfast, make sure you scream at the top of your lungs (at 6:40 am) as long and loud as you can when they get too close to your stuffed purple monkey. They have no interest whatsoever in Monkey Girl. But screaming sure is fun! And it’s kind of like marking your territory! Now that First Breakfast is completed, it’s time to Avoid Getting Dressed and then Make a Huge Mess. When your mom is being smart, she sets out your favorite crayons, paper, and books before she runs upstairs. But sometimes she forgets. That’s okay! That means you and your brothers get to destroy the basement closet! It doesn’t matter that your mom makes you clean it up every time. What matters is that you ensure that Monopoly pieces are flung into the farthest, deepest corners of the basement, cards are scattered everywhere, and every pair of dice mysteriously disappears. This is your Art. This is YOU, right now. Embrace your Three Year Old self. I could go on, but by the time all of this is cleaned up, it’s nearing mid-morning, and, well; it’s not as much fun when everyone is awake. Just think: tomorrow morning, you get to do it all over again! P.S. I almost forgot- when you are Avoiding Getting Dressed, don’t forget to squeeze a massive blob of toothpaste in the sink. It just adds a really nice touch. Till next time, my exhausting-and-really-wonderful-beautiful-Three Year Old-child-who-I-love-with-my-fiercest-love. xo, Mama.

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